


Surrender

by Beeexx



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:07:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24535093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beeexx/pseuds/Beeexx
Summary: Missing scene from under the bed. Nico and Marti talk.
Relationships: Niccolò Fares/Martino Rametta
Comments: 8
Kudos: 67





	Surrender

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I normally never write for this pairing, but something about season 4 of Skam Italia really got to me.
> 
> I also need to say that this fic ran away with me and I had planned to write maybe 2000 words, this is a little longer than that. I also need to say that there is mention of suicide in this chapter. I don't know if Nico's character would have done it, but it's mostly canon in the other Skam universes so I applied it to him as well. It's not descriptive though, just mentioned but I think it is important you are aware of it!
> 
> I listened to Surrender by Natalie Taylor like a million times writing this, but the slow downed version of it.
> 
> Okay, enjoy

“Can I come in?”

Silence hangs in the air. A beat.

But then Marti nods his head slowly once. Nico lets out a sigh and slowly starts crawling under the bed to join him in his little hiding spot. It’s tight and it honestly feels a little claustrophobic lying like this. Nico keeps his distance though, not sure if Marti would appreciate having him close, yet. He’s pretty good at reading Marti, to Nico he is extremely expressive, in his gestures, his facial expression and in his words that sometimes carry double meaning. He can often pick them up, read between the lines and understand. But Marti is closed off now, there is a hardness in his eyes hard and his body language rigid. Nico hates that he’s guilty of putting it there. He knows what’s happened is his fault, but he also can’t help but think it’s not all on him. His brain has been muddled with contradicting thoughts this week, one minute it tells him that this would always happen, that he is too much and too demanding and people always have to put up him with him and his crazy brain. That Marti deserves better than that, than him. Sometimes he feels angry at Martino too, because he didn’t trust him, he didn’t give him the space he needed to come to terms with actually telling him about Luai. It’s all a fucking mess, and he’s so tired of this fight.

Marti coughs, looking expectantly at him. But Nico detects the beginning of the fond look too that tends to pass over Marti’s face when Nico sometimes starts or initiates a conversation about something and then spaces out, stuck in his own head, forgetting what he was doing. Nico sighs.

“I’ll start then…” When Marti doesn’t say anything he continues. “I’m sorry about lying to you. It wasn’t...right…” He settles for. Because obviously he shouldn’t have done it. Marti’s quiet for a while, poking at a loose thread hanging from the mattress, his attention on it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. Nico can’t help but feel hurt by it, even though he has no right to. Eventually he stops though and looks at Nico, for a long time. Then he frowns as his attention is caught by something else.

“Is that my jumper?” He asks. Oh. Well.

Nico coughs and his cheeks heat at the discovery.

“Erm, yeah, you forgot it at my place and I was going to give it back and then just forgot to.” It’s only a small lie. He definitely hadn’t forgotten to give it back to him. When he found it under his clothes discarded on his desk chair he’d taken to wearing it for most of the week. It was big and comfortable and smelled distinctly like Marti, and he felt protected when he wore it, the sleeves long enough for Nico to cover his hands and disappear a little into it. Marti wasn’t that much bigger than him, but some of the jumpers he owned definitely hung loose on Nico. 

Marti seems distracted by this piece of information though, his eyes flitting back and forth and up and down Nico, before he sighs and runs a hand down his face. His eyes are a little softer when he looks back.

“I’m sorry, you can have it back.” Nico’s nervous. It’s not something he likes being, particularly not around Martino. 

“No… it suits you.” Marti says, eyes a little softer and mouth curving into something that’s almost a smile, but not fully. Nico nods, and clasps his hands, needing something to ground himself. 

“I’m still mad, but... why did you lie?” Marti says after the silence drags on for some time longer. Nico sighs. He doesn’t even know if he has a good enough answer for Martino, that’s the problem. 

“I don’t know… I guess I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I mean you could have started with ‘yes me and Luai had a relationship.” Marti mutters and Nico sighs again. 

“It’s complicated Marti and I didn’t want you to react…” The way you did he leaves unsaid. He tries again. 

“Okay, what do you want to know? It might be easier to explain it that way.”

Marti is quiet, looking thoughtful and hesitant and Nico waits him out, scratching dirt out from underneath his nails in the meantime. 

“Were you happy to see him?”

Maybe not what Nico was expecting but he’s not completely surprised by the question either. 

“Yes, I was.” Marti’s grimaces unhappily and Nico feels the need to explain. “It’s not like that Marti, I promise. But we were friends before everything happened and I hadn’t seen him in a long time, so I was happy yes, but I guess mostly I was relieved to see him.”

“Why?”

“Because what he went through was terrible, and he didn’t deserve that. I think you agree with that too, no?”

Silence.

“Yeah… he didn’t…”

Nico looks back down at his nails, continues to pick at them, bracing himself for the conversation ahead. 

“And you had a relationship?” Marti asks again. 

“We were friends first and foremost, for quite some time really before anything started changing between us. But I’m not sure I would call it a relationship either.”

“Did you kiss?” Nico nods as a reply.

“Did you sleep together?” Nico has been fearing that question ever since this conversation started and he’s almost hesitant to answer it, scared of Marti’s reaction, and possible judgement. He picks at his nails and doesn’t dare look Marti in the eyes.

“I guess yeah… we did some things...But it was nothing like what you and I have.”

“And what was it like then?” Marti doesn’t sound angry, he sounds dejected and hurt, it makes Nico feel terrible. 

He thinks on his reply though, trying to find the words to make it sound right, like it will all fall into place once he does and everything can stop feeling so fragile. 

“Exciting.” He starts off slow. “But also shameful… like whatever we were doing wasn’t right or good. It made me feel bad about myself, it made Luai feel bad about himself. He was scared a lot of the time we were together and I don’t blame him. But it turned everything sour too and it was a bad mixture of me realising that I was not straight and the beginning of my disorder manifesting, which made everything worse.” 

“Okay.”

When Marti doesn’t continue the conversation Nico nervously glances at him. He looks thoughtful, continuing pulling at the thread and seems to debate what to say. Nico can’t stand the silence between them.

“I’m sorry this hurts you, I really am. But I can’t apologise for my past Marti. I can’t change it for you…”

He chances a glance at Marti again, he’s frowning looking annoyed at something, but then he nods.

“Yeah I know. You shouldn’t have to, it’s on me this one, for assuming and then projecting it onto you like I’d been your first like you are to me….I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” 

“Yeah… I mean I asked too so… and it makes sense I guess.” Marti’s frown smooths out and he looks less angry. It seems less fragile between them too and Nico relaxes a little. He takes a deep breath and continues.

“Things continued like that for a few months between us and my mental health was slowly getting worse and worse. And then when Luai’s parents found out I spiraled completely…”

Nico has closed his eyes while talking, maybe it will make it feel easier, because he doesn’t like talking about his past, even after a lot of therapy he stills feels deeply ashamed over everything that he did and what happened. Even though, deep down, he does know that a lot of it was not all his fault. It’s still hard though. 

“He was taken away and I felt so fucking guilty about it. It was my fault… After that it just felt like everything kept slipping through my fingers and there was nothing to ground me back into myself.” Nico squeezes his eyes shut and digs his fingers into the palm of his hand to remind himself that he is safe. “It...well things got bad and very dark for a while and my head would not shut up and I got really depressed and - .”

“Nico.” Marti says, worried and his voice much closer to Nico’s ear suddenly. He snaps his eyes open to see Marti has scooted closer, looking worried and guilty. He has grabbed Nico’s hand and he’s squeezing it tightly between them. Nico looks at the palm of his hand, the fingernail marks deeper than he thought from squeezing so tightly. Well shit, he did not mean for that to happen.

“Nico, it’s okay, we don’t have to talk about this anymore.” Marti says, his voice strong and stable. Nico stares into the mattress above but shakes his head. 

“No it’s okay, I think we should talk about it. But… I…” He stops, not sure how to ask for it, feeling small and pathetic. He swallows and just decides to go ahead anyway. “But I think I might need you to hold my hand through it though.” He doesn’t dare look at Martino, he understands if he would say no, Marti is angry at him after all. But Marti nods, scoots a little closer so their shoulders are almost touching and squeezes his hand reassuringly. God this really isn’t how he expected this all to go tonight, the conversation has taken such a left turn that he’s having a hard time keeping up with the changes. Nico exhales a few times to get his bearings together before he starts talking again.

“You know most of it already but as you can guess the suicide attempt happened around that time.” Marti nods and squeezes his hand again, tightly, and Nico allows himself to squeeze his hand back. He’s told Marti before about the suicide attempt, not with too many details around what led up to it, but enough that Marti knows that before they met he had been in a bad place.

“Things were falling apart all around me at the time and it somehow felt like the answer to everything. And then after I woke up in the hospital with a new diagnosis and a lot of doctors and a weekly therapist appointment everything had changed. Maddalena told me what had happened to Luai and the guilt was back again and I couldn’t stand to talk to the rest of my friends afterwards, so I asked my parents to change schools for me and then we met.”

Marti exhales.

“You know, I am so extremely grateful that you are alive, I hope you know that.” Nico turns his head and Marti looks sad and soft and slowly he reaches his hand forward, but then it stops, hovering awkwardly in the air between them. 

“Can I touch you?” Marti asks. And it is so very Marti to do this, be gentle and ask Nico what he wants, not assume, always wanting confirmation. Nico nods, feeling the lump in his throat and not trusting his voice to bear. Marti moves closer and gently touches his cheek, strokes it up and down and runs his fingers through Nico’s locks. Nico closes his eyes and leans into the touch, his whole body yielding to it. He’s missed Marti so much it hurts. Marti breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was like this. But I shouldn’t have assumed. I just… I don’t know, got really angry and made assumptions and acted rash…”

“It’s okay.” He opens his eyes and whispers, his voice breaking a little. Marti shakes his head and Nico squeezes his hand.

“It’s not, so I am sorry, but…”

Nico gives him his time to continue talking and starts stroking his thumb up and down Marti’s hand. 

“I just, sometimes I think you are going to leave me.” Marti says quietly, almost too low for Nico to hear.

“What?” He asks, a little confused. Marti looks guilty and bites at his lip.

“Well have you seen the way you look? You look like you could be cut from marble and your jawline is sharp enough to cut yourself on.” Nico recognizes it as the deflection it is but he can’t help but snort at Marti’s ridiculousness.

“Thanks…?” He chuckles. “Even though we both know that’s not true.”

“That you’re not hot?” Nico’s lip twitches and Marti’s eyes look more alive at the banter. It’s a nice sight. 

“Are you going to tell me what it’s really about?” He prompts, but gently. Marti sighs and nods.

“I sometimes think you’re going to leave me... Everyone does eventually, and I just got stuck in my head about it and then when this whole thing happened I didn’t want to be the one to be left this time, so I decided to do it before it could happen again....”

Marti looks away from Nico, the guilt clear on his face and Nico exhales sharply through his nose, feeling sudden hurt by the confession. 

“That did hurt a lot yes, the thought that after everything you would just get up and leave me.” Nico confesses and Marti snaps his head to the side, eyes widening. 

“It was stupid…” Marti whispers, his anger seems to have disappeared as quickly as it came and he looks guilty again. 

“It was.” Nico agrees, but without any heat behind his words. 

“I regretted it the minute I did it.” Nico’s lips twitch and he offers Marti a half smile.

“I wish you would have turned around and come back to me.”

“Me too.” Marti whispers softly. Nico offers him a small smile, too tired for this fight to drag on and to be angry at Marti for a mistake he’s made. Nico’s made enough of them himself to know what it feels like. 

“But you can’t lie to me like that Nico, it messes with my head and I get paranoid and act stupid. I don’t like it when people lie.” Marti says. Nico nods.

“I did tell you the truth when I said nothing was going on between us now, it hurts a little that you didn’t believe me.”

Marti bites at his lip again and Nico traces the movement of it, a little distracted. 

“Yeah, Maddalena got in my head about something and it kept eating at me.”

Nico lifts an eyebrow, confused. Marti shakes his head, annoyed at himself it seems. 

“She said that you’d cheat on me and that you’d done it before. That I was a distraction.” 

Nico feels tremendous guilt over that, it’s a pile that sometimes feels like it builds and builds and builds even when he tries to change the course of it. 

“You’re not a distraction, and I am not going to leave you, this is nothing like it was with Maddalena and Luai.”

“How do you know?” He sounds scared and vulnerable and Nico realises it’s a legitimate fear Marti has, that does not only seem to stem from Nico’s past of infidelity but from his dad leaving Marti alone to care for his mother. Nico feels stupid for not realising earlier and very slowly he moves their entwined hands closer to his face, and places feather light kisses over Marti’s knuckles. The same gesture Marti had done to him, something that feels like it happened a very long time ago. Marti’s eyes find him and Nico keeps eye contact. 

“I sometimes struggle to trust my brain. Like my head is so fucked up a lot of the time I don’t know what I feel.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that, your head is not fucked up.” Marti interrupts him and Nico smiles at the words.

“Okay.” He agrees. “After everything that happened with Luai I spent a long time trying to make sense of it, like if what we felt for one another actually happened. Or if it was just me imagining it all and projecting it onto him. I… well sometimes even today I’m not even sure he liked me back, and I left everything so uncertain too.”

“Nico.” Marti whispers softly and Nico smiles but shrugs and continues.

“But I have good memories too, I know I do, even though whatever happened happened. Maddalena was different too. We were very young when we got together and it was very good until it wasn’t and then she turned into some sort of keeper and it stifled me.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to do that.” Marti says. Nico kisses his knuckles again.

“I know, and you’re not. You’re different than both of them. You just have this ability where you seem to understand me, to get me. It’s hard to explain, but it just feels different with you. I just have a feeling.”

“A feeling?” Marti asks, smiling wryly. Nico chuckles and shrugs, doesn’t know how to explain it much better than that. 

“Intuition then, gut feeling. I know it in my heart of hearts.”

Marti shakes his head but it feels like it offered him some comfort too, to hear the words.

“It’s true though. I’m not leaving, promise, I’m staying.” Nico says earnestly, he means that with everything he has.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Nico whispers back and when Marti smiles Nico feels relieved, and like the eggshells he feels like he’s been walking on have finally disappeared. 

“Okay, while we are in the habit of apologising and acknowledging things, I probably should not have hit Luai.”

“No, you shouldn’t. You can’t go around doing that Marti.” Nico says and Marti looks like he feels bad, it’s a start.

“I just… I don’t know. I saw you together and suddenly I didn’t recognize myself. I wanted to protect you as twisted as it sounds but I also wanted you to myself only. And it had been building for a while, this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right and then it all came out really wrong.” Marti breaks the eye contact, ashamed and maybe a little scared. Nico nudges his shoulder and makes sure that when Marti eventually looks back up he isn’t looking back with anything other than understanding and kindness. 

“I didn’t like myself much after I did that. It wasn’t me…”

“I didn’t either.” Marti nods, sad.

“I just know now that I am better when I am with you, this week has been really shitty and I don’t want to go back to being someone I don’t like.”

Nico smiles again, each smile feels brighter and more genuine each time he does it, like the missing pieces are slotting into the right places again.

“I am better when I am with you too.” Marti smiles too, big and soft and happy and things feel much better again. 

“Yeah?”

Nico nods and moves closer to Marti, they are as close as they can be under this bed. Nico lasts about 2 minutes.

“You think we could get out from under this bed now?”

Marti laughs but nods and starts moving. Maybe he’s expecting Nico to move out the other end, it would be much easier after all. But he keeps the hold of Marti’s hand and scoots out after him. Marti chuckles fondly but pulls Nico out from underneath the bed once he’s out. They stand close for a moment, looking at each other before they both move at the same time and hug, well more like fall into each other. Nico leans his head on Marti’s shoulder and breathes him in, exhales through his nose and feels himself relax completely in his hold. Marti clings back to him, a little desperately and Nico feels like he could stand here for a long long time, just holding Marti.

“This week has been really shit.” Marti muffles against Nico’s shoulder.

“Tell me about it.” Nico says. Marti steps back, but keeps Nico close and cups his cheeks while he rests his forehead on his. Nico smiles and leans in grabbing Marti gently by his wrists, feeling his steady pulse underneath his hands. 

“Where have you been staying?” Marti asks but Nico hears the question underneath, have you’ve been staying in the apartment all on your own? 

“I went home to my parents place and stayed there for most of the week.”

“Oh okay, well I’m happy you weren’t completely alone.” Marti says.

“Well Gio has been texting me almost every day too.”

“Has he? Of course he has.” Marti says and rolls his eyes. Nico chuckles because the texts had been kind of endless, not he minded much, it was sweet but funny, and he did really appreciate the sentiment behind it . Nico was happy Marti had someone like Gio in his life, who looked after him the way he did. 

They’re both silent for a while, looking each other over and smiling sweetly at each other. 

“I’m sorry for lying.” He feels the need to say again, just so Marti knows that he really means it.

“Me too, so sorry.” Marti says and Nico feels settled again, things going back to the way the should be. 

“What do you want to do now?” Marti asks him. Nico thinks about it before he answers.

“I want to go home with you and then I want to sleep.”

“Okay, that sounds good to me.” 

Nico smiles and very gently Marti kisses him. It’s soft, just a slow peck before he leans back and Nico rubs their noses together. It makes Marti’s eyes crinkle when he smiles.

“I love you.” Nico says and kisses his nose. 

“I love you too.”

They go home to Marti’s to sleep that evening.

**Author's Note:**

> This is beta'd by my amazing cousin Nat, so shoutout to you you absolute babe!
> 
> I might write short little chapter 2 of this from Marti's pov but will see when it comes up.


End file.
